I gave my time to others.
by Yayoi Teramoto
During my PhD, supervisors constantly advised me to solely focus on research. “Drop everything else.” It wasn’t just my supervisors—peers who received a similar message also made me feel like I could always do just a little bit more. Why was my code still not running properly? How come I didn’t have papers written and published yet? Would I ever finish my PhD at this pace?
Due to this urgent and eternally-demanding culture, there were many times when I chose to work instead of spending time with friends. In retrospect, however, amazing friendships were my main source of joy. For this, I am grateful for the times I decided to give my time to friends instead of the lab.
I’m not just talking about deciding to take a night or a weekend off to have fun. There were also all those small moments when, hopefully, giving my time made a difference.
For example:
The time a friend got eye surgery. I picked him up and ensured he got home safely.
The time I spent a few hours in the middle of the night at the Emergency Department. I was there hoping they would take an X-ray of a friend’s clearly broken foot. It was his third time seeing a doctor, and thankfully, as they say, third time’s the charm.
The many times friends trusted me with their CVs and applications for feedback.
Helping a friend move out of her place by helping her carry furniture out of the house. Some of it involved some complicated maneuvering!
The time I invested into making my relationship with my partner a stronger and healthier one. Some conversations were easy. Some were not.
Choosing to spend my time doing these things usually resulted in me hearing some form of “Remember: you don’t need anything in your life that distracts you from your PhD!” I was left with a disturbing feeling that if my life wasn’t my PhD, then I was doing something wrong. That all my struggles with research were my fault because I didn’t prioritize my PhD above everything else. Because a PhD is supposed to be your whole life, right?
Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t let my PhD be my life. At least, not my whole life. I am glad I could read over my friends’ applications and CVs because those were opportunities to read about their interests and contribute a little bit to making their aspirations become realities. The hours at the Emergency Department gave me time to catch up with a friend. Picking up my friend from eye surgery taught me that after eye surgery your eyes feel like they do when you cut an onion!
Finally, all those late-night conversations with my partner were totally worth the time. Today, and yesterday, he was the person who accompanied me to the Emergency Department (yes, I was there twice)! He took care of me while I sat on our sofa not being able to do much other than drink tea. And while I could have done it all by myself, I am grateful that I was not alone.
PhDs are a long and lonely task. While you could always be doing more for your PhD, don’t let anybody tell you to give up doing anything that distracts you. If I had listened to them, I would probably have a couple more publications but been alone in the Emergency Department for the past 48 hours.