God-willing, this May, I will graduate from Harvard University with a PhD in American Studies and a Secondary Field in Latinx Studies. These days, it feels strange to look forward to anything. Much of what I looked forward this past year did not (could not) happen. Being cautious and responsible during a pandemic means we postpone large gatherings, cancel eagerly anticipated plans, and reframe our understanding of just about everything we once took for granted.
I am a forward thinker. Looking forward to an idea, a goal, or a desired outcome is key to my process. If I can visualize a goal, the systems I create to achieve it are energized by what I envision. During my time in graduate school, for instance, I’ve often imagined what it will look and feel like to graduate.
Picture of Sanders Theater at Harvard University
Whenever I walked next to Sanders Theater (on a chilly autumn day or freezing winter afternoon), I imagined myself slowly shuffling into this historic theater with a large crowd of fellow PhD candidates. We’d be hot in our long-awaited crimson robes. Giddy with excitement while trying to properly position our puffy black hats over our frizzy hair. It might be humid and rainy, or humid and sunny—definitely humid. I’d sit in the heart of Memorial Hall brimming with chatter of awe and excitement. I’d turn to a friend next to me and say, “Can you believe this? We did it! This feels so surreal…” I looked forward to this imagined experience with patience and certainty. Holding on to this hope has held me thus far.
Graduation day is a few months away but the in-person ceremony that I looked forward to for so long will not happen. Last Friday, students were informed that Commencement will be virtual. And, of course, this makes sense. Given the ongoing pandemic, the responsible thing to do is to continue postponing or canceling large gatherings until it is safer. I was not surprised. Still, I felt a bit disappointed. Part of my disappointment stems from the fact that I no longer have a sense of what graduation will look like, I can’t quite see it (at least not as vividly as I imagined an in-person ceremony)…so will it happen? Perhaps, looking forward is not the only way to stay motivated. Perhaps, there is beauty and value in looking around us and within us.
Looking around me, I see my beloved fiancé, working hard and adjusting to massive change with incredible patience. I see my dear family members, each doing their very best to make the most of today with a smile. I see my friends navigating uncertainty with kindness and resilience. I also see my peers valiantly doing what they can to make progress on their projects. Looking within, I see that at my core, I am still a forward thinker, but I am also someone who is incredibly blessed and grateful for this moment right now. As foggy as the path ahead seems, I have faith that I will graduate. And until I am capable of looking forward again, I will focus on feeling now.
“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”
— Excerpt from “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown